


why did you run when I'm right here

by Elaine (LumCheng)



Series: 19 Days Post-Chapter Oneshots [2]
Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Anxiety, Awkwardness, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Feelings, Kissing, M/M, post chapter 346
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-14
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:07:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,797
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28757838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LumCheng/pseuds/Elaine
Summary: It's the thought that counts, is what his mom would say.But good intentions don't fill you up. They're not able to ease the queasy feeling in your stomach after going without food for nearly a whole day. They are, however, enough to make Guanshan feel guilty. And guilt is still sitting in a gray locker. Red and big and heavy and expensive with a custom paint job.How will he ever be able to repay He Tian? How will he ever be able to express his gratitude? And how can he accept such a gift?The answer is as simple as it is shattering: He can't.
Relationships: He Tian/Mo Guanshan (19 Days)
Series: 19 Days Post-Chapter Oneshots [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2145186
Comments: 58
Kudos: 283





	1. Chapter 1

He Tian smells like the expensive herbal shampoo from the little shower shelf in his bathroom. The very same bottle that Guanshan had used last night.  
Shampoo, shower gel, deodorant... laundry detergent, fabric softener... and the faint hint of cigarette smoke. They smell the same today. And yet it's different. Their skin each carrying their unique, underlying scent mixed with different emotions.

He Tian - happy and grounded, oozing out confidence, not giving a fuck that people see them in this awkward display of affection.  
Guanshan - embarrassed and way too self-conscious, hiding his face in He Tian's dark, soft hair, trying to pull the neckline of his jacket deeper over his head like a puppy hiding from the rain.

How could He Tian pick him up like this? Without a care in the world, easy and effortless, steady, not swaying even once. As if Guanshan wouldn't weigh more than a feather.  
Being so close - it's almost too much, too overwhelming. The shell of He Tian's ear brushing against his cheek, the firm grip on his thigh, just below his ass, that strong arm supporting his complete weight. It makes Guanshan wonder what kind of a man He Tian will become in a few years from now. Will he grow even taller? Shoulders broader than ever before? Upper arms thick and muscular, the size of Guanshan's thighs?

He Tian's steps are even and certain, taking them further and further away from the school buildings. He can hear some other students chatting around them, the sound slowly drowned out by the rustling of leaves in the trees and the traffic from the street they approach. He'd have to put him down soon, any moment now. He just _has_ to, otherwise—

Guanshan closes his eyes, his left arm, the one holding on to He Tian's shoulder for support, tightens for a long second. He angles his face, nose buried in a sea of soft hair, his thighs around the other one's body, painfully aware of his crotch being pressed against He Tian's waist.  
It's like hugging him, warm and comforting, full of good things and Guanshan allows himself to get carried away for a moment. Literally, figuratively.

And then it's over. He Tian's steps come to a halt and his arm lowers carefully, his other hand supporting Guanshan's side, who's slowly sliding down his hip until his feet touch the ground again.  
For an awkward moment they remain like this before Guanshan remembers to let go. He takes a step back, the photograph in his hand slightly crumpled. He gives it once last glance, then shoves it into his pocket with a hasty gesture.

A quick look around tells him that nobody is here. They're alone by the high fence, the school gates won't open until late afternoon. He Tian is just staring, the hint of a smile on his lips, then he lifts the strap of his bag over his head and throws the whole bag over the fence with ease.  
What follows is so familiar Guanshan thinks it's a deja-vu. He Tian backs up, takes a few long, quick steps towards the stone pillar, feet barely touching the surface for longer than a second each, his hands already reaching for the top, pulling himself up.

Guanshan can only stare. The whole thing doesn't take longer than three or four heartbeats and before he has time to think about what mess they're gonna get themselves into again, his body already starts moving on its own. He jogs towards the fence, jumps up the pillar, He Tian extends his arm and catches his hand with a firm grip, pulling him up effortlessly.  
Guanshan almost causes them to fall off the other side, holding on to He Tian's shoulders, the space up here way too small for two people.  
His heart beats in his throat, the small spike of adrenaline rushing through his veins.  
He Tian steadies him, leans back to take a look at his face.

"You alright?"

" 'course I'm alright", he grumbles back and looks sideways, avoiding his gaze.

One amused chuckle later and He Tian jumps down, his knees bending when his feet hit the ground, body flexible, movements smooth and strong like a big cat.  
_Like a panther_ , Guanshan thinks and watches him turn around and look up, arms open and inviting, ready to catch him.  
The sight of it touches something deep inside of him. Something he's not ready to analyze yet. He lets out his breath in a sharp huff and jumps.

As expected, He Tian catches him, facile and secure. The force of the impact completely absorbed by his arms and chest. Guanshan's shoes don't even touch the grass until the other one sets him down. Again.  
This time though, he retreats immediately, brushing off invisible dust from his arms and thighs. Just something to keep him busy while He Tian picks up his bag and shoulders it.

"Come", he says and grabs Guanshan's wrist, dragging him along when he starts walking towards the sideway. "I know a great place for lunch."

Guanshan nearly trips and half-heartedly tries to free himself from the casual grip. "H-hey...! I don't even have my wallet on me..."

"No need. I said it's on me."

He opens his mouth to protest und closes it again after realizing that, yes - he is hungry. Last night's 'dinner' has been looming over him all morning like a heavy rain cloud.  
He remembers it in vivid detail: The sight of it - disgusting.  
The gesture? He rather not think too deep about it.  
_It's the thought that counts_ , is what his mom would say. But good intentions don't fill you up. They're not able to ease the queasy feeling in your stomach after going without food for nearly a whole day. They are, however, enough to make Guanshan feel guilty. And guilt is still sitting in a gray locker. Red and big and heavy and expensive with a custom paint job.

How will he ever be able to repay He Tian? How will he ever be able to express his gratitude? And how can he accept such a gift?  
The answer is as simple as it is shattering: He can't.  
He has to tell him, even if it will hurt them both. But how could he live with the knowledge of owing He Tian so much more than he could ever give back?

He looks down at their meeting point. He Tian's long fingers no longer wound around his wrist but holding his hand, thumb pressing against his palm, slowly stroking, gently almost.  
Guanshan extracts himself from this level of intimacy, his ears are burning.  
He Tian slows down, one step to the side, falling into his pace right next to him.  
There it comes. The arm around his shoulder. Expected and familiar like an old friend. Guanshan doesn't fight it, resignation kicking in. Instead he busies himself with thinking up excuses why he can't accept the guitar.

It should be simple, easy like saying _'No, thank you'_ when offered unwanted food samples at the mall. Polite, empty words without any meaning behind it, the person already forgotten by the time the next shop window comes into sight.  
But it's not. Nothing about this is simple or easy and just thinking this over makes him feel exhausted. He Tian is exhausting, too. Demanding, obtrusive, poised. Then again, he's also kind and supportive and protective. And for some strange, unfathomable reason he's into him. Guanshan of all people. It's something that he can't quite grasp yet and he knows he's already spent way too much time thinking about it. During class when he's zoning out while the teacher carries on with her lecture. During his shifts when he doesn't have to deal with customers directly, performing some mindless activity like sorting fruit or stacking crates. In his bed at night when he has trouble falling asleep, the image of a certain face forever burned into his memory, an imprint on the surface of his brain, ever present and distracting.

All this thinking, all this careful consideration and here he can't come up with a reasonable explanation for He Tian. It seems easier finding a four-leafed clover in the meadows the size of several stadiums.

"This is it", He Tian's voice breaks his train of thoughts and Guanshan looks up, brushes the arm off his shoulder.

They're at the food market and it's already packed. Lunch time.  
There are people buying fresh meat, tofu and vegetables, planning to cook at home. Others are queuing up at stalls or small restaurants to grab a quick bite during their lunch break. There are children running around, playing catch. Dogs barking in the back, vendors shouting prices and customers walking by, laughing, talking loudly over the buzz of different noises.

Guanshan stops for a moment. He can smell the different foods and dishes being prepared, the fragrance of spices and roasted flavor in the air. He can hear TVs and radios from some market stalls, plastic chairs scraping over asphalt as people get up or sit down.  
He Tian weaves through the crowd with ease and he's tall enough that Guanshan never loses sight of that black shock of hair. He follows him, squeezing past some older students and mothers with lots of shopping bags, the rhythmic chopping of meat and poultry on large wooden blocks a constant companion.

He wonders if He Tian has a particular restaurant in mind or if he just wants to eat in this area and picks a place at random.  
Guanshan has been here before. Mostly late at night when stalls are about to close up so he can get a good deal on leftover meat and vegetables.  
Right now though, he follows He Tian into a tiny shop with only four small tables inside, a cooker in the front and a narrow bar with two fridges at the back.  
They sit down on the table in the far right corner - the only free one, the surface full of used bowls, empty cups and circle-shaped stains.

Without a word, He Tian starts stacking the bowls and cups into one another. He gets up and hands them to an elderly lady who approaches them with a wet cloth to clean the table. She apologizes and He Tian assures her that it's no big deal.  
Guanshan watches in silence as He Tian is actually wiping the surface of the stained, worn-out table clean.  
He disappears for a minute, then returns with two glasses of iced tea.

"If you're trying to impress me—"

"Is it working?"

Guanshan closes his eyes. "Dream on."

He Tian kicks his bag further towards the wall under the table and sets the glasses down. "What do you want to eat?"

With a tired gesture Guanshan rubs over his eyes and turns half around in his seat, neck craning to see what they're even cooking in the front.

"I don't really care", he finally says. "Just anything..."

"Roasted duck?", He Tian asks and Guanshan shrugs. "Yeah, why not."

He sits by the table brooding while He Tian gets their lunch and by the time the other one returns, Guanshan's mood hit rock bottom.  
He Tian offers him a bowl with white rice, steamed pak choi and a generous amount of sliced meat. Guanshan takes it off him and reaches for the pair of throw-away chopsticks which lie on top across the chipped bowl. A quick glance to the other bowl tells him He Tian is having noodle soup with some chicken feet gently bobbing up and down in it. He disappears again and returns quickly with a tray of dumplings for himself and a small bowl of broth for Guanshan.

He Tian sits down, his chair noisily scraping over the concrete while he jerks closer, his legs too long under the table, knees bumping into Guanshan's.  
He tries to ignore it and grabs the hot sauce, squeezing a good amount over his dish. He Tian takes the bottle directly off his hands when he's done and drenches his dumplings in the red liquid before picking one up with his chopsticks and putting it into Guanshan's bowl.

"Try them. They're amazing here."

Guanshan stares at the food. He looks at it and yet he can't see, his vision unfocused, mind occupied with different matters.  
He Tian starts eating, chatting away, pointing around with his chopsticks when he's not using them to pick up food. Guanshan doesn't listen.  
He looks up when He Tian lightly kicks him under the table.

"What's up?", he asks easily, bowl lifted in front of his face to drink a mouthful of soup before setting it back down. "Thought you would be hungry."

Slowly Guanshan looks around. Everyone around them is busy, rushing around, short on time. He smells the oil from the frying pan, hears the loud chatter and the clattering of dishes and the sizzling of water on hot surface. His gaze wanders back to their table and his own food, untouched, the pak choi surely cold by now.

"I...", he shakes his head, unconsciously licks his lips, fingers playing with the chopsticks nervously. "I can't accept it."

He Tian frowns and gives him a weird look. "It's just lunch. But you can pay me back if that makes you feel better."

"Not the lunch, idiot!", Guanshan hisses back and smacks his chopsticks down on the table in anger. Is He Tian playing with him or is he really that dense?

"The damn guitar! Take it back!"

"Can't", the other one replies and noisily chews on his last dumpling. "Plus it has your name on it."

"I don't care. You put me in an awkward position. Do you ever think before you act?!"

He Tian finally puts his chopsticks down and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before reaching for the slim glass of tea, droplets of condensation running down the outside. He drinks almost all of it in large gulps and Guanshan can't help but watch his larynx move with each big swallow. It's fascinating somehow and he imagines putting his fingertips over the smooth skin and directly feeling the movements. Small vibrations, like its own pulse, the slow steady heartbeat of a resting beast of prey.  
Annoyed by his own thoughts, he crosses his arms in front of his chest and looks anywhere but at He Tian, whose gaze he can clearly feel on his body. It makes the little hairs on his forearms stand up.

"I do", He Tian finally replies, his legs moving inbetween Guanshan's, stretching until his feet are under the other chair, crossed at the ankle.

"I've been doing nothing _but_ thinking these past few days", he adds and fingers a squashed pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, places it on the table. "You're really not going to eat?"

With a sudden movement Guanshan sits up straight, quickly grabs a slice of roasted duck with his fingers and pops it into his mouth. He chews, swallows, looks at He Tian with a deadpan expression.  
It tastes nice, but he can't appreciate the flavor when his stomach feels like it's going to drop down on the floor any minute. There's a dull ache which keeps spreading across his insides and he thinks he's going to be sick.

He Tian plays with his lighter in a lazy fashion. Flicks open the cap of the silver zippo and snaps it shut with a flick of his wrist. He keeps repeating it over and over again, staring at Guanshan, the slightest smile dancing around his lips. He doesn't say anything, looks like he knows a secret or two, and Guanshan finds it unnerving. His right foot starts tapping on the ground in a fast-paced rhythm, his leg slightly rubbing against He Tian's knee this way.

"Why are you nervous?"

"Who says I'm nervous?"

"Your body language."

"Fuck off!"

Guanshan doesn't want to be here. Not with He Tian. Currently he wants to be as far away as possible from him. The other one's presence is too much. It's like He Tian is filling out the whole room and it's causing Guanshan to think about things he's not yet ready to commit to. It's hard to concentrate on anything else, hard to breathe.  
He needs to get out of here.

_tbc_


	2. Chapter 2

"—out of here..."

"Hm?", He Tian straightens up, the chair creaks under the shifted weight.

Guanshan licks his upper lip - a quick, agitated gesture - and one hand flies to his stomach, presses down. He's gonna be sick!  
He Tian narrows his eyes, the snapping of the lighter stops.  
His chin jerks towards the untouched glass of cold tea.

"Drink something. You might be dehydrated."

Guanshan shakes his head, squeezes his eyes shut. "Just stop", he mumbles, trying to will away the nauseating feeling.

"Stop what?"

He Tian sounds confused and when Guanshan looks up to meet his eyes, he can see the worry in there. Genuine concern. It makes him want to cry.

"Stop worrying about me! Stop being so nice, stop caring, stop everything!", he blurts out before he can think better of it. "Your whole— just, everything. It's too much."

He Tian considers him for a long moment, his fingers play with the zippo again, flipping it over his knuckles, back and forth.  
Finally, his left hand rubs over his entire face, he looks to the side, watches two young men sitting down on one of the tables, talking loudly.  
Guanshan waits.

"You can't control what people feel towards you", he says, just loud enough for Guanshan to hear. "You're important to me."

No! No no no, that's not what he wants to hear. He Tian is supposed to leave him alone, give him space and yet he's all-consuming, invading him even more. The air around them, every breath he takes, he can't escape. He's everywhere.

"Don't you get it?" Guanshan puts both arms in front of his stomach now, clutching at his sides, slightly leaning forward in his chair.

"Those dreams are all I have. It's all I can afford. I can't follow them, I can't work towards them. Some of us live in the _real_ world, He Tian. There is no room to do whatever we want whenever we feel like it. Some of us have responsibilities. I can't— can't get caught up in your constant bullshit anymore. These past few weeks, I've missed so many shifts at my jobs, it's a miracle they haven't fired me yet. You... you need to stop. You're just—", he shakes his head, gestures around. His breath quickens. "Wherever I am, you are. You're like a shadow, following me everywhere. Spouting nonsense about supporting me, being my lackey, the note in your jacket that— you don't... want... to be alone... but I..."

He puts both hands in front of his face, hiding from He Tian. He wishes he could hide from his concern as well. From He Tian's feelings and his own, too.  
Guanshan doesn't know what to do. Nobody outside his family has ever cared for him. Nobody has ever openly confessed their feelings in such a carefree manner like He Tian. All of this is new and it scares him.  
Just three days ago this idiot risked his own life to save him and their friends. What kind of crazy person does that? Let alone for somebody they've only known for a few weeks? Is this what friendship is supposed to be like? Does it work this way?

Too many questions in his head, not knowing where to go with the myriad of thoughts and feelings, not knowing what to do at all - Guanshan just waits for earth to open up and swallow him whole.  
A crack in the ground, concrete breaking open, the crevice widening, growing longer, deeper, opening up like a giant ugly mouth without teeth. Dark and dangerous. Hungry for him.  
And he would fall. Fall and fall into an endless abyss. And then it'd close above him, darkness surrounding him, a place where no sunlight would ever reach. And after a while he'd get used to it. And it'd be warm and comforting, the walls flush against his naked skin. Like being held by the thick, protective walls of a womb.

He succumbs to this scenario, doesn't know how much times passes. He Tian is quiet. Guanshan can't see him. If it wasn't for their legs touching, he'd wonder if the other one would even still be here.  
At some point he dares to take down his hands, searching for He Tian's face.  
A mistake.  
Maybe.

He Tian stares at him. He looks angry. He angered him. Fuck.

"I can't stay here any longer."

With quick, snatchy movements that border on panic Guanshan gets up - "Thanks for the food." - and flees the little restaurant.  
He squeezes past the other customers, hurries to the front, then takes a turn, his quick steps take him to the back of the market stalls where people store more produce and throw away crates, cardboard boxes and general garbage.  
He spots a couple of blue trashcans and practically runs towards them, holds on to their edges like a drowning man in the open sea, almost keeling over, knuckles turning white from the strong grip.  
He heaves. His stomach is cramping, his throat goes tight, saliva pooling in his mouth. A wave of nausea washes over his face, cold sweat on his forehead, yet nothing comes up. He's trembling.

He closes his eyes and tries to even his breathing when a warm hand comes to lie in the middle of his back. Strong and reassuring, it doesn't even startle him.  
He Tian rubs up and down his back slowly, carefully. He's here and doesn't go anywhere. Not even Guanshan's harsh words were able to chase him away.  
_He's amazing_ , Guanshan thinks. How can such a person even exist, let alone care about him?

"Better?", He Tian asks after a while when Guanshan stops shaking and slowly backs away from the trashcans.

Guanshan takes a few wobbly steps, nearly trips, He Tian steadies him. He nods, wipes his mouth with the back of his hand even though he didn't throw up.

"Here", He Tian opens his bag and takes out a small bottle of water before letting the black bag slide to the ground.

Guanshan eyes the bottle and He Tian motions it in his direction, animating him to take it. "It's new, I haven't opened it yet."

With a sigh, Guanshan takes it and twists open the cap, takes a few mouthfuls and feels better instantly when the cold, clear liquid washes down his throat.  
He watches He Tian putting a cigarette between his lips and lighting it while protecting the flame from the breeze with his other hand.  
He lets him take a deep drag before speaking up.

"Why are you still here?"

He Tian blows out smoke towards the sky, the cigarette dangling from between his long fingers. "You know why."

Does he? Guanshan is not sure.  
He walks over to the wall with its scratchy, rough surface, and he leans against it, follows He Tian's gaze, head tipped back, watching the clouds go by above them. He plays with the bottle cap.  
He does know. It's just that he doesn't want to say it out loud.  
Because that would make it real. And once it's real, it can be fucked up. It can break, mess with them, it can go horribly wrong, it will create new problems and new obstacles.  
There would be good things as well, he supposes. New, exciting aspects he's never experienced before. But can the positive outweigh the negative?  
Will it be worth it? Is all of this worth taking such a huge risk?

His head rolls to the side when He Tian mimics his pose and leans to the wall next to him, lazily finishing his cigarette, never in a hurry.  
So Guanshan takes a moment to take him in. Eyes wandering over his features, watching him smoke.  
He realizes that he can't deny it any longer. That his feelings spill over everytime he looks at him, that most of the day his thoughts are occupied by He Tian, that his heart beats a little faster every time he receives a text message from him. That he already - secretly - hopes it'll be from He Tian as soon as he hears the notification sound of his phone.

He Tian flips his cigarette away. Guanshan's eyes follow the burning end, a red curve across the small yard, like the trail of a comet and he thinks it'd look nice at night, in the dark.  
He thinks about He Tian next to him, their shoulders lightly brushing against one another. He thinks about surprising him and saying something unexpected. He thinks about turning sideways and doing something crazy.  
He can't stop thinking. His thoughts are so loud that he wonders if He Tian can hear them and he feels embarrassed. He closes his eyes and wishes it'd stop.

"Hey."

He Tian's soft voice makes him look at him again. There are hands on his cheeks, thumbs brushing away the wetness he didn't even realize was there to begin with.  
The bottle slips from his grip, falls down, leaving wet spots on their trackpants and shoes.  
He Tian smiles and his eyes light up.  
Guanshan's mind goes blank.

His second kiss tastes like fleeting smoke and prawn dumplings and lemon tea. Like loneliness and longing, like unfulfilled promises which carry the saltiness of his own tears.  
Later he will only remember this: the feeling of this moment rather than what exactly happened and how.  
His eyes flutter shut, his hands clutching at He Tian's sides, fingers twisted in the soft fabric of his white shirt, warm skin underneath.

When they walk back to school, Guanshan feels like the whole world is made out of cotton. Sound is dampened, the edges are blurred, he's treading on clouds.  
He Tian is holding his hand and he keeps stealing glances, smiling everytime their eyes meet.  
It makes Guanshan feel stupid. Like an idiot, all caught up in a single person. It's not fair.

They reach the school grounds, they climb back over the fence. He Tian leans with his back against the stone pillar and gives him a leg up. Guanshan feels like they're just boys about to steal some apples from the neighbors garden. And he decides that he likes this feeling.

He doesn't pay much attention to the rest of his lessons. Not because he doesn't care like usual, but because he cannot concentrate. None of them had said a word when they parted ways, yet he knows He Tian will be waiting for him once class would be over. An unspoken promise.  
Strangely enough, he's really looking forward to it.

On his way to the lockers, Jian Yi and Zhengxi catch up with him and he tries his best to ignore them. The blond tries to make him feel guilty about the missed rehearsal, then he inquires about where him and He Tian had been during lunch break.  
He wants to tell him to fuck off when He Tian comes into sight. He's just standing there. Waiting, hands in the pockets of his dark trackpants, bag over his shoulder, wearing a smile so easily it makes Guanshan feel slightly jealous.

Without a word, Guanshan changes his shoes and sorts the books from his yellow backpack, shoves some of them onto the shelf inside his locker. He shuts it with a slam and looks at the other two. He Tian waits.  
Jian Yi gets suspicious. "Did something happen between the two of you?"

Zhengxi sighs and tugs at his sleeve. "Bad timing", he says and gives Guanshan an undefined look. "Let's head home."

"But, Xixi—"

Guanshan shoulders his backpack and watches them leave. He Tian steps beside him. "Let's get your guitar."

 _His guitar_. Guanshan still doesn't know how to feel about that. Yet he follows He Tian when they go to the other locker room and retrieve the guitar. He helps him put it into the padded case and Guanshan slips his arms through the straps to wear it on his back while He Tian takes his backpack.  
Saying it doesn't feel good would be a lie. The weight feels _right_ somehow, as if it belongs there.

They start walking home, both heading in the same direction.

"Let me go with you", He Tian says. "I can show you the ropes."

Guanshan's head jerks to the side. "You can play?!"

He Tian looks smug. "A little... invite me and find out."

Guanshan chews on his bottom lip. Words spoken so carefree, yet he knows they also mean something else. He just knows that if he lets He Tian come up with him, something else will happen. He knows the other one wouldn't leave it alone. The thing that happened earlier.  
Excitement starts spreading through his body, a warm knot forming in his belly. It grows bigger, hotter, it makes his pulse pick up in anticipation of what might happen soon.  
He digs out his phone from his pocket, checks the time.  
His mom should've left already, she has the night shift on tuesdays and won't be home before the early hours of morning.

"Okay", he says and only realizes then that he'd made the decision hours ago already.

Their steps echo from the walls of the stairway as they make their way up to Guanshan's apartment. And suddenly he can only think about how heavy his legs feel and how nervous he is.  
_Calm down_ , he tells himself. _There's no reason to be._  
But he can't help it. His fingers shake as he tries to push the key into the hole to unlock the door.

"Here, let me."

He Tian's hand clasps around his own and Guanshan takes a deep breath, he lets his hand sink and steps to the side to let He Tian open the door.  
They both step inside and when the door falls shut behind them, Guanshan closes his eyes for a brief moment and takes another deep breath.

He calms down though when he starts making dinner for them.  
They eat, they clean up, they - finally - enter his room.  
Guanshan wonders if his bedroom always felt that small or if it's just too full with him, He Tian and the guitar in here. All three of them fill out the little space completely.  
He squeezes past his guest and opens the window to let the cool evening breeze invade the room as well.  
Then he stands by the open window for a while. He can hear He Tian rustling behind him on the bed and soon the gentle sounds of strumming fill the air. It's no particular song, just some random chords, still it sounds nice and Guanshan finds it relaxing, the tunes surrounding him before floating out of the window, vanishing into the approaching night.

He turns around and feels the sudden urge to tell him.

"He Tian", he starts and takes a step closer, stops and reconsiders. The other one looks up to him from his position on the bed. His fingers still. The tunes die out.

"Thank you", Guanshan says, voice low, barely audible. He points to the red guitar. "For... _this_... and everything, really... I mean..."

His fingers comb through his short hair nervously. "You always do so much for me and I... I don't want to be an ungrateful asshole—"

"It's okay", He Tian interrupts him and slowly shakes his head. "You're worried I'll ask for something back. I'm not that kind of person. You have nothing to fear."

Guanshand folds his arms in front of his chest, his toes dig into the linoleum floor. How can He Tian read him so easily? When did this happen?  
He Tian carefully puts the guitar down on the floor, on top of the black cover.

He says "Come here," and extends an arm towards him in an inviting gesture.

After a moment of hesitation, Guanshan starts moving. Three steps and he stands beside the bed. Two heartbeats later and he's sitting next to He Tian. One blink of an eye and there's an arm around his shoulder which causes him to lean against the warm body right next to him.

What happens next is all a blur. Hazy memories for the next day and every morning after.

One moment they're sitting on the edge of the bed, the next Guanshan can see the ceiling above them before a familiar face appears in his field of vision.  
And when He Tian easily slides on top of him, perfectly fitting into the shape of his body like a gear slotting in place, Guanshan can only think of him and nothing else.  
The weight on top of him feels eerily exciting, yet comfortable, his heart beats impossibly fast and He Tian shifts above him before laying his head on his chest, listening to the heartbeat.

"How can you still be so nervous", He Tian murmurs and Guanshan has no answer.

Later, when he pushes himself up to look Guanshan in the eye, He Tian chuckles and Guanshan can't help the soft blush spreading across his cheeks.

"Stop looking at me like that", He Tian breathes out, "you make me wanna kiss you again."

Guanshan swallows. "Go ahead then."

He Tian stills. "You mean it?"

"Okay, forget it."

"Never", he hides his face in the crook of Guanshan's neck, his shoulders shake from quiet laughter.

"What about if I kiss here?", he asks and his lips brush against the small piece of exposed skin on Guanshan's shoulder, right next to the hem of his shirt.

It tickles a little and Guanshan can't stop the smile from lighting up his face.

"Or here", He Tian continues and softly kisses his neck.

Guanshan stirs underneath him, his fingers claw at the shirt behind his back.

"And what about here?" He Tian's mouth touches the side of his jaw, lips moving towards his chin.

Guanshan huffs out a laugh, his abs moving with the sound of it.  
They look at each other, their smiles slowly fading away as the mood shifts and suddenly changes from playful to serious.  
None of them knows how long it takes, but following an impulse they both start moving at the same time, lips finding their way to each other, mouthes crashing, tongues sliding, eyelids fluttering shut.

It leaves Guanshan breathless and he decides to stop running.  
Stop running from his feelings, from his friends, from confrontations, from all the things he has been trying to avoid and ultimately: stop running from He Tian.

Afterall, He Tian is right here.

_~end_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading it.  
> I've been doing fucktons of reading myself since christmas and also writing, and I think I'm on the way of improvement. I still have a long way ahead of me, but I think I'm getting there :)


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